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  Red Dwarf Forum
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| Who's
Here? None in this thread.
59
users total online. Moderators: Nobody yet!.
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| POSTED Wednesday, March 19, 2003 01:26:07 AM |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, May 06, 2003 08:44:07 AM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, July 17, 2003 11:42:09 AM |
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From the first episode (The End?)
RIMMER: Lister, is that a cigarette you're smoking?
LISTER: No, it's a chicken
AAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA! I love that line. Heh. Not sure what the point of that was cos apparently no-one's ever here... oh well. I enjoyed it.
"Whatsa matter, Red? YA SCARED?!??!?!"
***
~"I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground," he said.
"Now, that's out of order, man," said Legolas, "I mean, you can cut off his head if you want, but to make fun of his height? That's not on."~
***
"Well, I'm back," he said.
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| REPLIED Tuesday, September 16, 2003 05:13:33 AM |
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This one was in the epesode Meltdown:
Lister: I think he was a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters, and ended up eating his son.
Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud: we all feel peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza.
another one from the epesode Confidence and Paranoia:
Lister: Why didn't I ask her out? What's the worst she could've said?
Rimmer: She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome, disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit."
Lister: She could've said, "yes." Stranger things have happened!
Rimmer: Only two spring to mind, Lister: the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546 and that incident in 12th century Burgandy when it rained herring.
"To escape from the pain in an existence mundane
I gotta 9, a sign, a set and now I gotta name" |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, September 15, 2004 09:01:05 PM |
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Series IV; Episode: Meltdown-Rimmer: "What's your name soldier?"
Kryten:"Ghandi, sir, Mahatma Ghandi
Rimmer:"Well get him out of that damn nappy and in to a uniform.
Kryten:"St Frances of Assisi, sir."
Rimmer:"There's only two kinds from Assisi; steers and queers, which are you, boy?"
Rimmer:"Well, Satre, we don't like exestentialists, here and we certainly don't like French philosophers pontsing around in their black polo necks, filling everyone's heads' with the bleakness of existence and the absurdity of the cosmos... CleAr."
Lister:"Whoa, whoa, hang on, someone's beein' brought out. They're tyin' him to a stake... it's Whinnie the pooh."
HP fan 2# |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, November 30, 2004 10:46:11 AM |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, November 30, 2004 11:04:32 AM |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, November 30, 2004 11:12:44 AM |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, November 30, 2004 11:29:51 AM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, December 01, 2004 10:31:10 AM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, December 01, 2004 11:34:32 AM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, December 01, 2004 11:38:43 AM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 02, 2004 07:19:42 AM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 02, 2004 07:26:33 AM |
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Matrixulated said:
(searching for the Polymorph which can take on any form)
Lister: That chain! It's moving!
(shoots at the chain)
Lister: Sorry. False alarm.
Kryten: Sir, you have to calm down. You're experiencing a classic paranoid reaction brought on by...it's the the wall!
(shoots the wall)
That may not be the exact quote but you get the idea. I also like this one.
Cat: All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.
Kryten: Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer!
Cat: All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.
That first one is nearly right, but Lister shoots a barrel first then the chain. And after Kryten shoots the wall he says, 'Shame overload, I, I, I, sorry.'
The other classic 'they've taken Mr. Rimmer' is;
'I'll try to establish contact.' - Kryten.
(There's a flash and Rimmer disappears)
'Sir they've taken Mr. Rimmer. Sir they have taken Mr. Rimmer!' - Kryten.
'Quick let's get out of here before they bring him back!' - Cat.
More fav quotes;
'Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.' - Ace Rimmer.
'You are a Smeee Heeeaa!' - Kryten.
'I'm a smeee heeeaa?' - Rimmer.
'A complete and total one sir.' - Kryten.
'He always used to come bottom in Geography, he thought a glacier was a bloke who fixed windows.' - Rimmer.
The Doctor: Even the monsters under your bed have nightmares...
Reinette: What do monsters have nightmares about?
The Doctor: Me!
 100% Welsh Spider-Man and Dr Who fan.
"He looks like a man... But he's a legend... And he's called 'The Doctor'." |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 02, 2004 07:30:31 AM |
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| REPLIED Friday , December 03, 2004 09:32:03 AM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, December 08, 2004 12:31:27 PM |
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Series 7; When Lister needs a new right arm, Kryten gives him a robotic arm.
'Now just will the arm to do something and it obeys. Let's try it out (Places a ball on the table) Now just think, hand pick up the ball.' - Kryten
(A long time after and I can't be bothered to write that, the arm lifts the ball)
'The sweat's dripping offf me!' - Lister.
'Well that was marvellous sir!' - Kryten.
'Is that it?' - Lister.
'How do you mean sir?' - Kryten.
'Well if I ever have to pick up a ball, do we have to take the morning off?' - Lister.
'I'll admit it was a tad slow sir.' - Kryten.
'A tad? The only thing I've seen move slower is Rimmer in a disco.' - Lister.
'Well maybe if I adjust sensor valve it might make the arm a little more sensitive (Alters arm frequency). Now let's try again, hand pick up the ball.' - Kryten.
(Lister punches Kryten in the face).
'Okay, again, hand pick up the ball.' - Kryten.
'Hand pick up the ball.' - Lister.
(Lister punches Kryten again).
'I think sir that you have a lot of anger built up inside you and that's what's driving the arm.' - Kryten.
'I don't feel angry.' - Lister.
'You've lost your arm sir, you have every right to feel angry.' - Kryten.
'I promise I don't.' - Lister.
'Well it's subconsious you see sir. You consious is saying pick up the ball, but your subconsious is saying punch Kryten in the head, beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm. Am I right?' - Kryten.
'Kryten that's rubbish.' - Lister.
(Lister punches Kryten in the face again).
'You're right it's controlled by my subconsious.' - Lister.
'It's far too dangerous to let you out with that arm sir. Two minutes with Miss. Kochanski and who knows what'll be flying round your head!' - Kryten.
The Doctor: Even the monsters under your bed have nightmares...
Reinette: What do monsters have nightmares about?
The Doctor: Me!
100% Welsh Spider-Man and Dr Who fan.
"He looks like a man... But he's a legend... And he's called 'The Doctor'." |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 09, 2004 01:38:11 PM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 09, 2004 01:55:17 PM |
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Cassandra wasn't my favourite but it had a couple of good bits like
Rimmer: We, um, should be making tracks.
Cassandra: I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer...
Rimmer: Yes!
Cassandra: ...who will be dead in 20 minutes.
Kryten: According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we 4 survive, therefore, while we are here, we cannot die. Regard...
(Kryten points gun at himself, Lister, Kochanski and Cat without it going off, he then points it at Rimmer)
Kryten: Duck sir...
(Rimmer ducks and Kryten shoots, the bullet rebounds of the walls many times before it comes back)
Kryten: Duck again Sir
(Rimmer ducks again as the bullet sails past)
Kryten: Ah, So I thought
Cat: So, in other words, If I...
(Cat smacks Lister over the back of the head with a piece of wood)
Lister: AH! what was that for?
Cat: You can't die
Lister: Yeah but I can still feel pain, you smegger!
I was watching Back in the Red just the other night. This is actually one of my favourite quotes.
Lister: If I say who I think's responsible for this it'll get cut too, so I'm not going to, but it's him. I know it's him, you can bet on it, and if I ever catch up to him, I'm gonna cut off both his --
Edit cut
Lister: -- with a blunt knife.
My very own virtual series. |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 09, 2004 02:18:42 PM |
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'But you said... I'm gonna die too?' - Rimmer.
'I already told you, Rimmer dies of a heart attack and then you and all the other canaries are killed in one hour. The only ones who survive are Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat. I've seen it it's what happens.' - Cassandra.
'That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this? (Gives her the finger)' - Rimmer.
'How does it happen? How do I die?' - Rimmer.
'Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.' - Cassandra.
'Sorry, could you just double check that?' - Rimmer.
'I've seen it, it's what happens.' - Cassandra.
'So let me get this straight Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one earlier, me and her were in bed giving it riz and Lister, that's the small dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me while I'm making love with Kochanski?' - Rimmer.
'That is what will happen.' - Cassandra.
'FANTASTIC!!!' - Rimmer.
'(Rimmer looks at watch while in bed with Kochanski) One hour exactly!' - Rimmer.
(Lister walks in)
'Oh Bloody Buggering Hell! Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward!' - Rimmer.
'Kryten figured it out.' - Lister.
'Kryten figured it out did he? Good old Kryten. But did he have to figure out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to have taken twenty minutes longer? Ten even? Two would have done.' - Rimmer.
The Doctor: Even the monsters under your bed have nightmares...
Reinette: What do monsters have nightmares about?
The Doctor: Me!
100% Welsh Spider-Man and Dr Who fan.
"He looks like a man... But he's a legend... And he's called 'The Doctor'." |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 09, 2004 02:26:52 PM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 09, 2004 03:54:24 PM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, December 09, 2004 04:04:28 PM |
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| REPLIED Friday , December 10, 2004 09:20:26 AM |
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| REPLIED Saturday, December 11, 2004 03:25:21 PM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, December 15, 2004 09:10:04 AM |
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| REPLIED Saturday, December 18, 2004 02:44:21 PM |
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| REPLIED Sunday , December 19, 2004 02:30:06 PM |
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Here's a couple more of my fav's
Kryton, season two
Kryton: Are you sure there dead.
Rimmer: You've only got to look at them, they've got less meat on them than a chicken nuggert.
Back to Reality:
Cat: Wait, I got it, don't fish swim south for winter?
Kryton: No thats birds sir.
Cat: Birds swim south for winter, how do they breath?
Maintenance guy: What did you think of the planet of the Neamomaniacs? (I think thats how you spell it)
Rimmer: Planet of the what?
Maintenance guy: You missed that? Oh thats a riot, some people spend Years on that.
Rimmer: Theirs a blob the size of New Mexico, and its heading your way.
Holly: Looks like our friend the disppear squid.
Kryton: How far is it?
Rimmer: Its above you at 2000 fasoms.
Lister: Oh cheers Rimmer, you know what state where in, you could have lied.
Rimmer: I was lying, its only 1000 fasoms.
There's something not quite right about that "SOP" sign! |
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| REPLIED Monday , December 27, 2004 12:20:51 PM |
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| REPLIED Saturday, January 01, 2005 01:12:09 PM |
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Legion; Series 6
'This third dimensional piece intrigues me, its simplicity, its bold, basic colours. Pray what do you call it?' - Rimmer.
'The light-switch.' - Legion.
'The light-switch? I couldn't buy it then?' - Rimmer.
'Not really... I need it to turn the lights on and off.' - Legion.
'But this is insane, you're merely hurting yourself, our pain is your pain.' - Kryten.
'Kryten you forget, although I share in your pain I also share the some of your malace and rage magnified many times. I'm quite capable of quite insane things.' -Legion.
(Legion takes out a scalpal and stabs his hand, they all clutch their hands in pain).
'The next hint of inserection and the scalpal ends up here.' - Legion.
(Legion points the scalpal at his groin).
'That kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.' - Kryten.
'YES IT DOES!' -Rimmer, Lister, Cat.
'Permission to test a supasicion sir?' - Kryten.
'Go for it.' - Lister.
'Thank you sir.' - Kryten.
(Kryten lifts a chair and hits it over Lister's head, Lister is knocked out).
'What's going on here?' - Cat.
'The gistolt requires our consciousness to exist if we are unconscious he is no longer a threat, permission to lay you out sir?' - Kryten.
'Do what you gotta, but don't mess up my hair.' - Cat.
'Thank you sir.' - Kryten.
(Kryten punches Cat out cold, Rimmer backs away, Kryten picks up a vase and hides it behind his back).
'Kryten there has to be another way.' - Rimmer.
'Sir come back, you're only delaying the enevitable.' - Kryten.
'I can't help it I'm allergic to getting hit.' - Rimmer.
'Won't feel a thing, I'll render you unconscious using the Ionian nerve grip.' - Kryten.
(Kryten grabs Rimmer and smashes the vase on his head).
'That's not an Ionian nerve grip! that's smashing me over the head with a vase.' - Rimmer.
'There's no such thing as an Ionian nerve grip now stand still while I hit you.' - Kryten.
'I'm a hard-light hologram and as such un-knock-outable.' - Rimmer.
'I think you're right sir.' - Kryten.
(Kryten hits Rimmer on the head with an iron pole).
'KRYTEN!' - Rimmer.
'I'm sorry sir, I thought if I took you unawares.' - Kryten.
The one with the Gelfs; Series 6.
'We've lost them.' - Rimmer.
(Explosion)
'Sorry I was looking at the wrong panel.' - Rimmer.
The Doctor: Even the monsters under your bed have nightmares...
Reinette: What do monsters have nightmares about?
The Doctor: Me!
100% Welsh Spider-Man and Dr Who fan.
"He looks like a man... But he's a legend... And he's called 'The Doctor'." |
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| REPLIED Friday , January 07, 2005 03:08:53 PM |
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