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| What happens when two classical philologists meet |
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| POSTED Wednesday, May 19, 2004 11:28:09 AM |
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What happens when two classical philologists go to watch Troy, the movie
Starring:
A a classical philologist in making,
B a classical philologist in making, too,
A: Youre late.
B: Uh-h, sorry. Had to check up on my make-up. Spent bloody fifteen minutes making it look good. Is something wrong with it?
A: Kindly remind me why Im dragging you to the cinema instead of strangling you right here and now?
B: Cause m cute, adorable and fun to be with?
A: (rolls her eyes)
B: Oh, all right. Cause no one else is masochistic enough to spend 150 bloody minutes in the dubiously pleasant company of an entire horde of giggling fan girls who drool over Orlando Bloom since they saw him in LOTR, thus putting themselves at the risk of dehydration?
A: Now, thats more like it. Lets go, or do you want us to be fashionably late?
B: Hey! Meanie!
Firstly, let me state clearly that I absolutely did not expect this movie to be good. You cant expect a good movie if Orlando Bloom is in the cast, you cant expect a good movie if its a Hollywood super production and, last but not least, you cant expect a good movie just because youre a pessimist. My intent was far more twisted and sick than watching a decent film: I hoped to spend almost three hours with a pointless and plotless nonsense in order to laugh as much as possible, since its hardly possible with all those modern comedies (not like the old ones were any better), designed specially for retarded seven-year-old cucumbers (exactly when they are so rotten that they start growing legs, legs or parapodia).
A: Feh, we should have been fashionably late after all. Remind me never to be on time. But WE WILL see that king Arthur movie. The trailer was DELICIOUS enough (grins viciously).
B: Right. Sides, every cloud has a silver lining: we were actually spared watching the Harry Pot (Glances the screen) Ouaaaah (Starts sobbing).
A: (Glances the screen) Are you sure it is Oh. It is. (Leans forward) Its all right, everything will be all right (pats the other ones head). Its only a couple of minutes, nothing we cant bear. Everything will be all right ()
From Pat I knew Orlando Bloom would be Paris and Brad Pitt Achilles, and that Helen would be blonde. I must admit I didnt like these ideas from the beginning, and I must say that whatever grim thoughts I could have, the reality proved far worse. Brad Pitt was looking and acting like a Californian surfer , Orlando Bloom seemed to have stayed, mentally, in the LOTR and Helen was so dull she might as well not have been there at all.
A: Oh, and here comes the blonde.
B: Gaaaa-awd, do they always have to be blonde?
A: Well, apparently they do.
B: Hm.
A: Hm?
B: Arwen wasnt blonde, was she?
A: Whos Arwen?
B: The elvish princess from the LOTR.
A: No idea. I didnt watch the wretched LOTR.
B: Alas, I only watched the first part. T was boring.
A: Alas, it was.
B: Alas.
Enough of the pointless blather, though, lets just list randomly What They Did Wrong. And theres a lot of it.
A: (Closes her eyes)
B: Cmon, dontcha have any dignity at all? S only some blood, and s not even real!
A: Drop it, Im NOT going to look at this anyway!
B: O puh-wease, s not like there are any limbs on loose.
A: (Chokes)
B: (Surreptitious grin) Sides, you may miss something important. They may kill each other.
A: Not bloody likely. We BOTH know Hector did NOT kill Menelaos.
B: (Pauses for one, very intent glance at the screen) Now he did.
A: (Chokes to death)
All the historical and literary discrepancies and inaccuracies, while annoy me to no end, will be discussed later; for the beginning Id like to destroy some preposterous notions the authors of the movie seem to have about human body. Since whoever died was thereupon shown with blood slowly pouring down from their mouth, I assure you there exists no such thing in our organisms that would make us bleed the moment we die, no matter the kind of injuries that caused the death. I can suppose that, if any of the heroes died decapitated, they would still spit blood, at least according to the half-witted movie-makers. However, to my certain knowledge, this is anatomically impossible.
B: OHMIGOD! XII-BC Trojans use Macedonian phalanx?
A: (Giggles)
B: (Giggles)
A: Wait a minute They DO use the bloody phalanx! OHMIGOD! (Blanches)
A: Hector the XII-BC atheist?
B: Not bloody likely!
B: S not like Ive any expertise in estimating such numbers of people but wouldnt it be at least 50-60 000 troops on each side?
A: (Concentrates) Positive.
B: Two times the bloody population of the continent at the time?
A: At least four, if you count women and children.
B: Boy! Ive never been into military stuff, but Im pretty sure they couldnt use their shields like that. They were too bloody heavy.
A: Positive, although with all the other stuff wrong such petty details hardly matter. AND
B: Mhm?
A: LANGUAGE!
B: (Groans) Yes, mother.
Both Greek and Trojan army look a tad too Roman, perhaps because of some leftover accessories from Gladiator, king Priam sports clothes that make him look like Chinese mandarin (let me think, hero, was it?), the battle tactics look suspiciously Roman, too, courtesy of wannabe specialists who didnt have a decent job since Gladiator, most likely. The whole movie is full of historical inaccuracies and is a one giant discrepancy with Iliad a discrepancy that does not turn out nicely. Hector kills Menelaos, whod just had a duel with Paris (and it was Paris who lost), Briseis, the captive, acquires some sort of Stockholm syndrome, falling in love with Achilles (or is that just mind-blowing sex?), Achilles doesnt die until Troy is burnt to the ashes (funny, how well stone burns, if its necessary), and in the end, Paris escapes with Helen. Not to mention Aeneas escaping as well with Anchizes, his elderly father, only this Aeneas is no older than 20, and does not have a teenage son whom he should- and why? So that the producers could make a sequel, in which Aeneas escapes (still with Paris and Helen) to Italy, and in the process finds himself a lover in the flesh of none else but Dido, also known as Elissa, of Carthago, with whom he is going to have a dozen (oh, forget the stupid Illus!) of nice, healthy, chubby children, maybe? Or am I wrong?
B: Oh my, oh my, hes gonna do this, hes gonna do this, hes really gonna do this!!!
A: Hmm? Hes going to do what?
B: Wait n see! Hell, hell do it, hell do it!!!
(On the screen)
Agamemnon: Throws a typical Im-The-Evilest-Evil-Mast
ermind fit of evil laughter.
B: THAT!!! (Gets hysterical from laughing hard)
Yes, theres also the question of mentality. Apart from Agamemnon and Menelaos looking like common ruffians (as my father said) and acting like the most clichi villains (which, naturally, includes evil laughter) theres also ever-smiling Priam with a smile that makes him look slightly barmy and not so slightly retarded. Hector openly admits to atheism in XII BC and does that using the most childish and infantile arguments you could think of. Achilles, sorry for the language, gropes Briseis arse several seconds after she tried to kill him not that I dislike the flashy mix of Eros-and-Thanatos, mind you. In general, it is hard to miss that all the characters are written in such way, that they either act like an average XXI century teenager, a mentally-impaired one, that is to say, or they act like such teenager would expect they would, which is pathetic. In fact, none of the characters is a real character: theres too much inconsistence and too little of everything else. None of the heroes actions are convincingly motivated that is apart from such obvious facts like Paris taking Helen with him because he loved her (how he came to love her of course remains shredded in mystery) actually, they are hardly motivated at all. There are very few conversations in the movie, and when there are some, you beg Fates that they end as soon as possible, for everyone speaks in an extremely unsophisticated manner, let go the fact that what they say is absolute rubbish, not even trying to bear any kind of slightest resemblance of logic. Instead of on talking, the producers seem to be focusing on battles well, it looks like poor Orlando Bloom is not the only one who still mentally lives in the LOTR.
Of course, I wouldnt even dream of demanding that all the characters act and think as if they had the XII BC mentality that wouldnt be possible in a movie that is to be understood by anybody else than a bunch of classical philologists and the likes but some things are simply too much to bear.
(Stifled whispers my arse. A heated conversation in the back of the room)
A: So then the professor P. who reviews my dissertation for the exam told us that there would be this lecture about Polish society in the early 1970. Well, of course, I jumped at the opportunity, and I went there, but couldnt find the right auditorium.
B: (Snickers) Saw that one coming.
A: Kindly refrain yourself from derisive comments about my general lack of sense of direction, which is, by the way, no worse than yours, and let me finish
B: Yes, mother.
A: Oh, for goodness sake. So, I went there but nobody came at least that was what I thought until I spotted a group of professors heading my way.
B: Profs? Thought it was for students.
A: Well, I did, too. It turned out it was some conference or other about the state of research for professors rather than students but no one really asked who I was
B: and it was just too good opportunity to sit several hours with a dozen of bald, geriatric profs in one room to be wasted. Honestly, you are one very sick individual.
A: Exactly (Maniacal grin). But the professors didnt know where the lecture was supposed to take place, either. So one of them put away his worn-out cloak, opened his worn-out bag and took out a brand new laptop to check his timetable (Dazed).
B: (Chuckles) Youre soooo sick! Say, whos the youngest prof there? When do you plan on breaking the record?
A: (Giggles) Well, you know
()
(From the speaker above)
Paris: Come with me. The gods will curse us, the people will despise us, but we always will have ourselves.
Helen: Dont make fun of me. ()
Not only were our heroes acting like teenagers, they were also speaking like such. Im rather convinced Ill never hear anything as stupid as Helen asking Paris not to make fun of her (wretched tease, the Paris!). Sometimes it wasnt even the matter of decorum; it seemed to me as though the screenwriters were really, really retarded or making fun of their targeted audience how else could you explain Hector telling Helen, when she (how noble of her) wants to come back to Sparta in order to put an end to the war You cant go now. Paris will need you this night. The snickers all over the room were proof enough that the obvious innuendo was not, in fact, a sick production of our filthy minds.
As I said already, hardly anybody spent more than thirty seconds in row talking (the poor excuses for homo sapiens); however, if they had, I strongly believe I would have fled the cinema screaming, with a strong resolve never to come back. There is a limited amount of clichi nonsense one is capable of living through. Two hours of everyone stating blithely Death is another great adventure, or Without acceptance, there can never come the recovery, or Luke, Im your father, or Youre the best son any father could imagine would certainly break the strongest wills, brainwash Orwell, make Bush a pacifist, Oriana Fallacci a lover of Arabic culture, Paulo Coelho realize the evil of his ways and myself die from a stroke. I can assure you, as a connoisseur, there are hardly any (South American) soaps with SO MUCH clichid nonsense, and by the way, as we mentioned Coelho a second ago I do think that Troy is far worse than his books, which IS quite an achievement, isnt it?
A: Would you kindly STOP giggling? Were supposed to MOCK FAN GIRLS, not make a public spectacle of ourselves!
B: Public spectacle? Being two out of six people here? Hardly possible.
A: Whatever.
B: (Pouts) So I cant even giggle a little?
A: I could almost think youre one of them.
B: S such a rare opportunity for me, to giggle, and youre taking it away from me? So cruel.
A: Stop talking like that. Its unbecoming. Unbecoming and wrong. And as I said, Ill believe that youre one of them, one day.
B: Tsk, what do you take me for? A retard?
A: How do you want my answer, true or sugar-coated?
B: Witch.
A: (Snickers)
B: (Pouts) You know what? Id tell you something, were it not for the disturbingly obvious fact that it would distract ME and the rest of audience from doing what were basically supposed to do, which is watching the damn movie.
A: Rrrrrrrright.
B: Right. The screams, you know, the screams.
Troy was one big disappointment of a movie and as to who would want to watch it, I remain clueless all in all, it was intellectually designed for seven-year-olds, but with the sex and violence, I dont believe it would be suitable after all. It was, however, something that gave me more reasons to laugh than anything else in the last couple of years, and for that am truly grateful.
My conclusion would be that Troy is a pathetic drama/tragedy/whatever else it was intended to be, but a marvelous comedy. I would recommend it to anybody in a need of a good laugh.
Troy [b][/b] http://www.geocities.com/
protoillyrian Illyrian database
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 Edit  Reply w/quote |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, May 19, 2004 12:27:40 PM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, May 19, 2004 02:39:02 PM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, May 19, 2004 02:44:31 PM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, May 20, 2004 01:29:01 AM |
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| REPLIED Saturday, May 29, 2004 11:30:46 PM |
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illyrianka said:
Troy was one big disappointment of a movie and as to who would want to watch it, I remain clueless all in all, it was intellectually designed for seven-year-olds, but with the sex and violence, I dont believe it would be suitable after all. It was, however, something that gave me more reasons to laugh than anything else in the last couple of years, and for that am truly grateful.
My conclusion would be that Troy is a pathetic drama/tragedy/whatever else it was intended to be, but a marvelous comedy. I would recommend it to anybody in a need of a good laugh.
Troy [b][/b] http://www.geocities.com/
protoillyrian Illyrian database
That was all anyone needed to know.
You either really, really HATED this film,
or you are an out of work comedy writer.
Possibly both. |
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Edit Reply w/Quote
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| REPLIED Monday , May 31, 2004 07:49:13 AM |
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| REPLIED Monday , May 31, 2004 08:37:12 AM |
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| REPLIED Monday , May 31, 2004 08:53:09 AM |
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| REPLIED Monday , May 31, 2004 08:53:14 AM |
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Pyromaniac X-Chick
Not philosophy, PHILOLOGY. Big difference. I would give you a definition, but I believe you're QUITE capable of looking up the definition online on your own. Hopefully, it will give you a little practice in educating yourself before responding. 
