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| Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers |
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| Sam and Frodo's Bogus Quest
[1] 2 |
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| POSTED Thursday, September 19, 2002 12:14:02 PM |
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*When last seen, a very upset Aragorn knelt near Borimir's body while Gimili and Legolas did a victory dance, looking a little too frisky.*
Audience member: No, that wasn't what happened!
*PJ's security guards drag off the hapless audience member. The camera slowly zooms in on the bereft Aragorn.*
Aragorn: I only had just gotten to know you... I had no idea how much you meant to me... You were the best of us all.
*Tears run down his face as he begins to bury his dropped donut, while Gimli and Legolas loot Boromir's still form.*
Legolas: No, I want the horn! Give it to me!
Gimli: Get yer own horn, pointy ears!
*A tug of war ensues, broken up when Aragorn approaches. They both look very sheepish, Legolas drops the horn behind him.*
Aragorn: I have buried the donut, things will never be the same again...
Gimli: How about Boromir?
Aragorn: What about Boromir?
Gimli: Shouldn't we bury him?
Legolas: My shoulder hurts, I think I sprained it and can't dig.
*The elf makes a big show of not being able to move his arm.*
Aragorn: Just toss him in a boat and send him down the falls, no fuss, no muss. Get any good loot?
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*Meanwhile, Sam and Frodo were rowing their kodiak inflatable boat across the river. The shot lingers on them pointlessly for endless minutes before cutting back to the others.*
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*Gimli and Aragorn push off the boat with Boromir in it, while Legolas brushes his hair, a bored look on his face. The same look he has in every scene.*
Aragorn: Go forth and sleep with the fishes, noble warrior of Gandlor!
Gimli: Gondor.
Aragorn: Huh?
Gimli: Tis Gondor, how do you expect to be king if you don't remember your kingdom's name?!
Aragorn: Oh I expect I'll have advisors to handle that. Now we must run!
Legolas: Why?
Aragorn: It is in the script!
Legolas: Why not get some horses instead of going on foot?
PJ: It isn't in the book, besides there are budget cuts! NO HORSES!
*The three grumble then run off in seperate directions. A few minutes later Aragorn is seen running back toward Gimli, who has made it about 50 feet. The two then head off toward where Legolas is standing, tapping his foot. Reunited, they begin the run.*
"It wasn't great when I started, George Lucas started, all of us started. I really thought we were going to leave the motion picture industry or field better than we found it, and we left it worse."
-- Francis Ford Coppola
A little nonsense now and then,
Is valued by the wisest men.
-- Willy Wonka
Voice of Reason and Ship's Psychiatrist of the Institution
Relentlessly Persuing the Happy Medium |
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| REPLIED Thursday, September 19, 2002 12:36:45 PM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, September 19, 2002 01:33:27 PM |
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Cut to: Stock footage of WWII german soldiers running through haystack-strewn fields. Several of them have to stopand pick up their palstic rubbr band orc masks when they fall off.
Orc 1: This is the last time I agree to do a re-enactment for a movie company. I wish I was at Normandy Live 2002, at least there we get coffee!
Orc 2: Quit yer grumblin, at least we get to abuse those two Brits playing the hobbits.
Camera pans out to take in the two hobbits that are eating from McDonald's Happy Meals while riding on the shoulders of the Orcs/Wermacht
Merry: Hey, what toy did you get?
Pippin: I got it! I think I got it!
Merry: What?
Pippin: The Britney Spears holographic card witht he special gold foil trim.
Merry: Let me see it!
The orc underneathe grumbles as Pippin grabs his long ears to steer him towards Merry's orc.
Pippin: See it's...oh my!
Merry: What?
Pippin: It's not Britney Spears, they put in a Playmate hologram on the card. Well her clothes kind of disappear when you flick the card.
Merry: Lemme see!
Pippin; No way, get yer own!
Merry: Well I got a Ring of Power in my Happy Meal.
The orcs crash to a halt
Orc 1: Awright lads! He's got a Ring of Power, get 'im!
Merry: No, no, I meant the game with the little silver pinball in it!
Merry and Pippin are quickly buried under a mound of flying orcs, all trying to grab the toy "ring"
Orc 2: But Saruman said no despoiling.
Orc 1: Shaddap, get the Ring, I need it for my Burger King collection I never finished last year!
[i] Confusion reigns, and Pippin sneaks out from under the tackling, and flips open his cell phone.
Pippin: Hello, 9-1-1? Dang, You can't call 9-1-1 direct on this piece of junk. Now what was Aragorn's number?
Orc 4 1/2: Gotcha, Pipsqueek.
Pippin: That's what my friends call me. I didn't give you permission.
Orc 4 1/2: Get out of it, come on, it's a long way to Isengard.
Eventually the orcs realize the two hobbits, now black and blue from the tackling and soccer-style scrum, don't have a real Ring of Power
Orc 1: Never mind, on to Isengard!
Wizard of OZ guard soundtrack drifts in at this point, as they all go off singing. "Yo-Eee-ooo!"
*to be continued*
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Thursday, September 19, 2002 06:19:01 PM |
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You guys...geez...you crack me up! Happy Meals?
Okay, I might have missed some stuff in between, but this is what I remember afterwards...
PART 3 - CAMP IDIOTIC -
As Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn "hunt Orcs", they realize they have already killed 1/3 of them and decide to kick back, relax, and sing "Kumbiya" (sp?)
"Kumbiya, my Lord...Kumbiya..." Legolas sang stupidly.
"Shut up, you over-grown gnome!" said Gimli, dismissively, throwing a stone at Legolas, hitting him in the head.
Aragorn paced around the campfire, wondering how they were going to get to Mordor and how stupid it was to let Frodo go without reinforcements to back him up.
"Oh, shucks, I'll never be king!" he said, sitting down quickly, pouting like a five-year-old. "Since when have we all become blithering idiots?"
Gimli and Legolas shrugged in unison, toasting their marshmallows.
"Oh, poo! Mine's got all wrinkly!" said Legolas.
"Really?" said Gimli. Let me see!
The next morning, the three stooges head out blindly towards the Gap of Rohan. Aragorn said he knew someone there and wanted to say "Hi." Time and again Legolas constantly complained that his feet hurt, his shoulder still ached, he was hungry, and bellyaching with statements like "Are we there yet?", "Stop walking so fast!", and "I'm tired!"
"You know what? I think Tolkien's wrong about making Elves wise. Look at you for example. You're as dumb as a cow and as stubborn as a mule!" said Gimli.
"Well, at least I'm as handsome as Spring and as graceful as Fall" said Legolas dreamingly.
"Knock it off!" said Aragorn. "I'm trying to concentrate!"
Gimli and Legolas stopped momentarily and then continued to quarrel.
"I'm surprised you haven't shot yourself in the butt with one of your "constant-supply" arrows!"
"Watch it, or you'll find one in your butt!"
And so, on the road to Rohan, Aragorn grumbled under his breath as his two chums had a cat fight. Finally, after what seemed like weeks on end, they reached a giant city built into a mountain.
"Rohan..." Aragorn said importantly. "Well, patient ones, we're here. Alas! We're guests of honor. King Theoden isn't like Boromir, where you can happily braid his hair whenever you please," he said, "so thrill me and be on your best behavior...OR ELSE!!!!"
Legolas and Gimli blinked stupidly.
"He pushed me," said Gimli, transparently pointing at the Elf.
"Liar!"
"I don't care if you fall off a cliff! Just promise me you'll let ME do the talking?" said Aragorn, steam coming out of his ears. "If you two dunderheads behave, then guess what? I'll give you both a...um...well...behave."
They were about to enter, but Aragorn reversed. He thrust the door open and saw King Theoden on his throne, talking to Wormtounge. He was surrounded by many men of his council.
"Welcome, my friends! It's so nice to see a trustworthy face here for a change. The Wraiths have been storming our city many a time. Whence you've come?" (I think whence means where have)
"From...I forget. Nevertheless, we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we defeated most of the traveling Uruk-Hai. The bad news is that...Gandalf died, Boromir died, Pippin and Merry were kidnapped, and I let Frodo and Sam go to Mordor alone."
Theoden stroked his beard.
"That's a great story. Tell me another one!" said Legolas from behind.
"Shut it, Lego! You're bruising my reputation and you're embarrassing me!" whispered Aragorn from the side of his mouth.
After about three hours of mindless chat, they left Rohan to his lordships' daughter, Eyown. She would govern it as long as she had to until the Riders of Rohan, as they were known as, returned. And so, with many men horseback, they set off towards many places where the three found Gandalf dressed like Saruman. It took much coaxing to explain that he was Gandalf the Grey, but know, he was Gandalf the White.
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To be continued...
dumb (dŭm) adj. Below normal intelligence.
dumber (dŭm-er) adj. Way below normal intelligence.
dumberer (dŭm-er-er) adj. Completely devoid of anything that even remotely resembles intelligence.
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Pippin: "Are we lost?"
Merry: "No."
Pippin: "I think we are."
Merry: "Shh, Gandalf's thinking."
Pippin: "Merry?"
Merry: "What?"
Pippin: "I'm hungry." |
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| REPLIED Thursday, September 19, 2002 11:00:04 PM |
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| REPLIED Friday , September 20, 2002 11:37:04 AM |
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| REPLIED Friday , September 20, 2002 12:56:02 PM |
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| REPLIED Monday , September 23, 2002 07:39:18 AM |
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*While Viggo wandered off to play with his sword, Legolas did what he did best in life -- shopping. While Gimli was greedy, dwarves preferred home delivery.*
Gimli: NO! I will not try on the spandex tights!
Legolas: But the children's size is such a perfect fit!
*The clerks at the GAP of Rohan stared rudely at them and Gimli began to get upset.*
Gimli: They don't like dwarves, I can see them staring.
Legolas: Pfft, they are staring at me of course. They aren't used to this kind of beauty.
*He tossed his long blonde hair and a young woman shopping began to giggle and nudge her friend. The clerks still stared rudely at the two adventurers.
Meanwhile, in the back of the store, in a seperate room, a training class for clerks was being held.*
Store Manager: No no no! You must show less emotion! Show disdain, no interest. Look at Jaime, she has the perfect rude stare already... Now try to copy that...
*The newbie clerks stared at their manager with varying degrees of rudeness.*
"It wasn't great when I started, George Lucas started, all of us started. I really thought we were going to leave the motion picture industry or field better than we found it, and we left it worse."
-- Francis Ford Coppola
A little nonsense now and then,
Is valued by the wisest men.
-- Willy Wonka
Voice of Reason and Ship's Psychiatrist of the Institution
Relentlessly Persuing the Happy Medium |
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| REPLIED Monday , September 23, 2002 04:05:51 PM |
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Meanwhile, Frodo & Sam stumble through the Emyn Muil: Made up of papier-mache rocks and old Star Trek landscapes, occasionally sighting abandoned shuttlecraft, lost red shirted security guards, and ancient ruins that look straight off the back lot at Paramount
Frodo: Hardly the collection of razor-sharp rocks Gimli talked about...hmmm. Like, dude, where are we?
Sam: I'm hungry.
Frodo: I didn't ask you to come along, like where'd all the lembas go?
Sam: Burp!
Frodo: SAMMM!
Sam: Sorrreeeee
Frodo: Shhhh, what's that noise?
There is a hissing, slithering noise on the rocks above their heads as they stumble through the Emyn Muil.
Gollum: Hiisss!
A yellow tennis ball on a stick appears, both our heroes look aghast. PJ walks into the shot
PJ: OK, just like the Balrog, WETA is a little behind on the CGI, so we'll have to shoot without Andy Serkis.
Frodo: You know, I like don't even believe he exists, we've NEVER seen him.
PJ: I assure you, he does exist.
Sam: Yeah? Then how come his name isn't on the catering list?
PJ: Oh, well, he's a very private person, he likes to take his meals in his trailer.
Frodo: Which trailer?
PJ: I'm very busy, I don't have time for follish questions. Just give me your best acting ability with the tennis ball, and we'll add in the CGI later.
Frodo: Okaaaaaay.
PJ: Right, ready Gollum/Tennis Ball wrangler?
Wrangler: Ready!
PJ: Action!
To be continued
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Monday , September 23, 2002 06:53:09 PM |
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| REPLIED Monday , September 30, 2002 06:22:29 PM |
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PJ: Now in the next scene...
*A car pulls up to a screeching halt, all the more impressive due to it being on grass. Two men in blue suits emerge, each with a black briefcase.*
Sam: Oi! Who are you?
*PJ suddenly pales and looks down at his bare feet.*
Frodo: Ringwraiths?
PJ: Worse.... Accountants!
Accountant #1: You are...
Accountant #2: ... overbudget by...
Accountant #1: $23.00 NZ.
Accountant #2: All shooting is to...
Accountant #1: ... stopped immediately...
Accountant #2: ... pending an audit.
Sam: Can they do that, Master Frodo?
Frodo: I don't know, Sam... I don't know.
*Meanwhile, in a secluded ranch in California with a funny name, a silhoutted gray haired man in a sweater listens through a bug planted in Frodo's elven brooch.*
Man: Perfect, I can beat Jackson to a release.
*Mad high pitched laughter follows.*
"It wasn't great when I started, George Lucas started, all of us started. I really thought we were going to leave the motion picture industry or field better than we found it, and we left it worse."
-- Francis Ford Coppola
A little nonsense now and then,
Is valued by the wisest men.
-- Willy Wonka
Voice of Reason and Ship's Psychiatrist of the Institution
Relentlessly Persuing the Happy Medium |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, October 02, 2002 10:23:03 AM |
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Cut to a large room, decorated with expensive wood paneling, rows of bookshelves, etc. A tall man, in elven costume turns toward a groups of men all in black turtleneck sweaters.
Elf: How does this look for a concept?
BlackSweater 1: Great! Now, we need to check the copyright laws to make sure we can call you an "elf"
BlackSweater 2: Yes, we can, its right here, Tolkien and New Line did not get exclusive rights to the term elf.
BlackSweater 3: The Emperor will be pleased.
A man with a graying beard enters the room, the cowl of a dark hood falling low over his face.
Hooded Man: Given that our Empire failed to break all box office records with our latest release, I've decided to counter the rebels with a production of our own to cash in on this medievalism revival. Behold!
A bookshelf rolls aside to expose a giant projection screen. On it are the words "Ring Wars" and then yellow words start scrolling upwards across the screen.
A long time ago, on a planet called Midearth, far far away, a group of blonde-haired clones made a ring of power...a ring so terrible that it cannot be named here. This ring would grant the weare the ultimate power to dominate the will of elves, dwarves or men, and of course secure all merchandising rights to action figures, and assorted chajkes. It is the time of the Ring Wars. In a hidden rebel base deep in the heart of the Misted Mountains, it has been learned that the Ring of Power has been stolen from its Master, the Dark Lord Jacksauron War is preparing, and the fate of many will soon be ruled by small furry creatures known only as ewoks by some.
The opening titles finish, and the man turns back to his assembled black turtlenecked advisors
Hooded Man: With this film, we will take back the hearts and minds of the populace, and dominate the box office once more!
All: Hail Lucas! Hail Lucas! Hail Lucas!
Lucas: Now, let's get to work on the rest of the script, we can just do a lot of work on special effects and space, er I mean, sword fights and elven females in tight-fitting gowns until we're ready for the story.
BlackSweater 3: I have the book here, my Lord.
Man holds up a copy of Sword of Shannara
BlackSweater 2: It's similar in most respects to that Tolkien epic that NewLine has been doing.
Lucas: Excellent! Do the swords glow?
BlackSweater 1: Yes, my Lord!
Lucas: Good, good, now let's go recruit our stars for this picture. Better call every A-List actor, that will bring the people in to see our masterpiece. Chapter One will be called: "The Phantom Fellowship", followed by the "Two Castles" and then we'll round it out with "The Return of the Emperor" AND we're going to have at least Nine Episides all together, each three hours long, we'll outlast those bastards at NewLine!
All: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHA
Transmission ended
to be continued...
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, October 02, 2002 05:32:16 PM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, October 02, 2002 06:00:04 PM |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, October 02, 2002 06:01:42 PM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 03, 2002 09:07:16 AM |
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Suddenly, PJ wakes up, and Elrond bends over him.
Elrond: Welcome back, Mr. Jackson, a few more hours, and you would have been beyond our aid.
PJ: Thanks, Elrond. You really get into this role, don't you? Maybe I'll bring you back in Two Towers, just as a favor.
Elrond: I'd love it. Now where's that daughter of mine? I told her she was grounded, and I never wanted her to see that half-shaven greaser Aragorn again?
PJ: Actually, we're working on a new image for you, Elrond. It seems that the polls taken of audiences came up with "Elrond is unsympathetic -- 22% Strongly Agreed, 45% Somewhat agreed,5% had no opinion, 18% Somewhat Disagreed, and 10% Strongly Disagreed with the statement...
Elrond: Wow, I didn't know that.
PJ: Yep, thos New Line suits are good for something.
Elrond: Whatever shall I do? I don't want to be typecast as a bad guy!
PJ: Here's a new script. We'll do some heart-to-heart scenes with Liv, and it'll be fine, believe me.
Elrond: Thanks, PJ, you're the greatest!
PJ: Aw shucks, I'm speechless. Now I'd better see about getting us back on the shooting schedule...
Elrond leaves, and a pizza delivery guy (actually Stuart Townsend in disguise) enters.
PJ: Thanks, just put it over there.
PJ goes to get his wallet to pay the "Pizza Guy", but a phone calls distracts him as his tiny cell phone rings
PJ: Hello?
ST: OK, I'll just leave it over here. I mean, forsooth, I shalleth leave it on thy table.
PJ: Huh?
ST: Nothing, nothing.
PJ: Sorry, some annoying pizza guy. Now what was that? Another strike by the Dunlendings? Well, we'll shoot the Uruk-Hai scenes first. What's the weather like? Good. Good. Lots of rain? excellent! Well I know about the papier mache walls, but we can matte in what melts. I'll call WETA. Thanks. Now what's this rumor about another film company coming to New Zealand?
Stuart Townsend starts idly flipping pages of the script which is on the table where PJ was working. He takes out a tiny minicam disguised as a walkman, and begins taking pictures of the pages. PJ continues to say u-huh, and nod as he talks.
PJ: Are you still here? Here's your money.
ST: Thanks.
Stuart Townsend exits. Moments later a curious look comes over PJ's face as he stares at the pizza box. It says DOMINOES PIZZA, Lakehurst New Jersey on the side
PJ: Hold on a second, something fishy going on here. This pizza isn't from Wellington! Andrew, let me call you back, I think we have a security breach again.
to be continued
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Monday , October 07, 2002 05:27:57 PM |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, October 08, 2002 09:39:55 AM |
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Scene switches to The Green Midget Cafe in Wellington. A dowdy looking woman is talking with one of the regulars when a man comes up and asks what's on the menu
Woman: *in high, screechy voice* Well, we have eggs and spam, sausage and spam, egs, sausage and spam, spam, spam, sausage and spam, spam, spam, spam, egs, bacon and spam...
A group of costumed actors seated at a table with shield, spears, and white horses on their shields, begin singing.
Riders: Spam spam spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful spaaaaam!
Woman: Shut up! Shut up!
Man: Do you have anything besides spam, then?
Woman: Well, there's eggs bacon and spam, there's only a little spam in it.
Riders: Spam, spam spam spam!
Woman: Shut up. Wait a minute, aren't you lot supposed to be off rescuing somebody?
Eomer: Oh my gosh.
He hurriedly pulls out a script.
Eomer: We're late!!!
He pays the tab, and they all clank outside singing Spam! and they mount up on a variety of hobby horses, and gallop toward the mountains in the distance.
Woman: Bloody Vikings!
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, October 08, 2002 12:43:07 PM |
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Merry and Pippin are playing card with several large Uruk-Hai with pointed Pickelhaub helmets that look like cast-offs from "The Lost Battalion" Merry is dealing cards.
Merry: OK, here we go again, one more card up. Hmmm, 4 of Goblins for Ugluk, that's no help.
Ugluk: Grrrrrr.
Merry: And a six of scimitars for Lugdush, hmm, that's two sixes...
Lugdush grins horribly, fangs projecting
Merry: Oh, wow, another King of the Dunedain for Pippin, that's three kings showing.
Pippin: Yowza!
Orcs look menacingly at Pippin
Merry: And, there a palantir for Grishnakh. That's makes three palantirs! Your bet Grishnakh!
Grishnakh: *evil sneering voice* Yesss, very nice. I'll raise you three skulls.
He tosses three goblin skulls into a heap of knives, finger bones, beef jerky, and other entrails
Grishnakh: I call.
Merry: I fold.
Pippin: *whispering fiercely* Merry, you can't fold, I'll be the only one betting, and I'm running out of things to bet!
Ugluk: Grrrrrr
Grishnakh: You in, Pipsqueak?
Pippin: *swallows hugely* Uh, OK, hehe, I'll see your three skulls with, um, these...
Grishnakh: What dem?
Pippin: Oh, very valuable in the Shire, they are tobacco pipes.
Ugluk: Grrr whatya put in em?
Merry: Funny you should ask, my good fellow. I happen to have some very nice tobacco right here.
Merry pulls out a pouch with a cannabis leaf symbol on it, and stuffs some into one of the pipes while the game continues
Grishnakh: What do you have?
Pippin: Just the three Kings, I'm afraid!
Grishnakh: Ha! Me win entire pot, and the pipes. Give em here!
Grishnakh and the orcs take turns with the pipes, and gradually start laughing and juggling skulls, etc. Merry taps Pippin on the shoulder.
Merry: Now run for it, or our friends will never find us, we'll leave something behind so they know which way these blokes are taking us.
Pippin: Run? But they'll catch us?
Merry: Come on!
While the orcs laugh, Merry and Pippin fade away from the campfire and card game, and disappear into the darkness, leaving the orcs laughing, smoking, and rolling around sensenlessly
Lugdush: Hey, you, pipsqueak, you got anything to eat? Me hungry!
The orcs notice the Hobbits are gone, and....
Ugluk: Find the Halflings!!!! Arrrr
*to be continued*
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, October 09, 2002 06:28:11 PM |
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Chris O'Donnell paces in his New York flat, watching various TV news reports. At times, he takes a drink from a tray of bottles
ODonnell: Come on, Come on already!
Tiny cell phone rings
ODonnell: Hello? Yes, George, yes, I'd love to do it. OK, my fax number is 555-1099! I'll look over the contract and get back to you. Yeah thanks!
He slumps in a comfortable chair as he hangs up
------
Meanwhile, in a luxurious townhome in the Hollywood Hills, movie siren Penelope Cruz paces the floor
PC: Maaaaaria!
Maria: Yes, Senorita?
PC: Where are my diamonds? Where is my Mackie gown?
Maria: It should be here any time, with the limousine.
PC: Thees ees a very important meeting with Lucasfilm, do joo understand me?
Maria: Yes, Miss Cruz.
PC: Good, now find my chooze for the gown.
Maria: Yes, Miss Cruz.
PC: Have there been any flowerth delivered?
Maria: No, Miss Cruz.
Penelope flies into a rage, stamping her fuzzy-slippered feet
Maria: It does not mean they did not choose you for the part of Ring Wars, Miss Cruz...
PC: No? I saw those other beetches at the casting call! What am I, chopped leever?
Maria: No Miss
*to be continued*
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 10, 2002 05:29:51 PM |
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Atop a remote cliff somewhere in the Mountains of Despair. Bleak clouds scud across the opaque sky. The wind howls mournfully through the crags, echoing shrilly as it is torn asunder upon the broken rocks, upon the scars of a hateful dominion. A castle of obsidian stands there, gleaming not with light, but with the absence of it: shining forth resplendid in its blatant display of hopelessness. Above the broken landscape, a Starbucks sign sends out its hateful light. George Lucas sits upon the throne, with a Big Mac in one hand and a Triple Shot Latte to takeaway in the other. Beside him is a bottle of Vanilla Coke. Preliminary filming has already begun on Ring Wars.
Darth Saryman: You should not have come back, old man. The circle is complete. I am the master now.
Gamdulf Kenobi: Only the Master of Evil, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Darth Saryman: I don't know, I can imagine quite a lot.
They begin to duel. Suddenly, their blades lock, and turn to look at the camera.
(In unison): Our weapons glow as well!
They continue to duel, blades flashing back and forth, parrying, riposting, but never finding a mark.
Darth Saryman: After all this time, still you can challenge me. Your sabership is still in form. How?
Gamdulf Kenobi: I am well read. The Art of War. The Book of Five Rings.
Darth Saryman: What do you know about rings???
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.
-T.S. Eliot. |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 10, 2002 05:32:06 PM |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 10, 2002 05:44:09 PM |
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Gamdulf Kenobi: No, no, no! The Book of Five Rings! A book! Why are you always so keen whenever rings are mentioned?
Darth Saryman: Er... no reason... no reason at all... *glances furtively around the room. Sweat beads lightly on his face and he laughs weakly.*
Gamdulf Kenobi: It is not too late, Saryman. Return to me, be my student again. I have much to teach you. I shall teach you the way of good, the true way of the Jedistari, the -
Lacked the present of mind to the point that he had actually lowered his guard. Saryman's saber passes through him and he vanishes.
Darth Saryman: *cackles* Looking a bit grey there, aren't we, Gamdulf?
The doors swing open and our heroes emerge
Frydo Skywalker: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
m!!! Noooooooooooooo!!! *falls over*
Hanwise Solo: You can't help him now!
They all bundle aboard the Millenium Earandil, Frydo with tears pouring down his face, and vanish into the night sky.
George Lucas: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand CUT! Brilliant! Lovely improvisation there Frydo, the falling over was extremely realistic, very true to the original.
*Scattered fragments of light from the Starbucks sign spill through all matter, none safe from its burning light... the light of evil itself.*
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.
-T.S. Eliot. |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 10, 2002 06:17:55 PM |
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| REPLIED Friday , October 11, 2002 12:12:16 PM |
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Merry and Pippin are running ( somewhat like Tom Cruise always does ) and running, and running. Pippin drops a small shiny object into the grass.
Pippin: There, that will give Aragorn a clue to where we went, and they'll think we're alive even if we get recaptured.
Merry: Good thinking! I'm impressed, Pip
Uruk-Hai: Stop! Halt!
Merry: Keep running.
Pippin: Where are we going?
Merry: Just follw the guy with the black box resting on his shoulder.
Uruk-Hai: Stop! Halt!
Ferocious Uruk-Hai are running after our two hobbit heroes, snarling.
Pippin: Oh, I see, Hi Mom!
Merry: Look, there's a very tangled forest ahead, we'll lose them in there!
Big sign says: Fangorn Forest -- Haunted ---I'd Turn Back if I Were You
Uruk-Hai: Stop! Halt!
Pippin: They really are getting so predicatable.
Uruk-Hai: Reduce your velocity!
Merry: Thanks!
Merry and pippin bump right into a very fierce looking Uruk-Hai
Merry: Oooof!
Gronk: Hey, halfling!
Pippin: Who? M..mmm...me?
Gronk: You forgot your card.
Gronk hands Pippin the small square shiny object he dropped
Pippin: Damn VISA photo credit cards!
Gronk and a dozen other Uruks recapture Merry and Pippin
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Friday , October 11, 2002 05:54:21 PM |
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*Meanwhile, at a top secret shooting location in Mexico, a specially constructed soundstage the size of a small town is being erected. Curious locals gawk at it as the ruins of a futuristic city go up in one section and a large blimp is inflated nearby. A limosine pulls up and a gray haired and bearded man gets out, all nervous energy, projecting an air of total arrogance. A young blond woman gets out with him and they survey the construction.*
Man: This will be the biggest movie ever done, I have a $1 billion budget, an army of slave laborers, and all the hottest young actors and actresses ready to film! This will prove I am the greatest director who ever lived.... That Lucas and Jackson are just pretenders!
Woman: But honey, you are the greatest already. Titanic made the most money ever... and gave me to you.
James Cameron: There are those who still doubt me, mock me... say it was just a chick flick... I WILL SHOW THEM!!!!
Assistant: Mr Cameron...
Cameron: That is "my liege" you peasant!
Assistant: My liege... Mr Schwarzenegar says he is still filming T3 and won't be able to change wardrobes for this film.
Cameron: That isn't a problem. Have you gotten the effects team busy on the Motorcycle Wraiths?
Assistant: Yes my liege. We also have the 14 yearold girls lined up to audition for Arwa, the love interest.
*Cameron's wife looks alarmed.*
Cameron's wife: What? You didn't say anything about this on the way here!
Cameron: Just a minor detail... I'll conduct the auditions myself, you run along to the mansion I had built for the shooting here.
*He slapped her on the butt and sent her off.*
Cameron: Is the 9/10s scale blimp ready for shooting?
Assistant: Almost, my liege.
Cameron: Make sure it is ready for Grodo and Arwa's love scene on top of it, where he holds her as she leans into the wind.
Assistant: Hasn't that been done?
Cameron: GUARDS! Take him away and leave him in the desert for the vultures!
*Burly armed guards haul off the kicking and screaming assistant. The assistant to the assistant shows up and immediately begins groveling.*
Cameron: "Ring" Will dwarf those other films, it is too big to sink at the box office!
"It wasn't great when I started, George Lucas started, all of us started. I really thought we were going to leave the motion picture industry or field better than we found it, and we left it worse."
-- Francis Ford Coppola
A little nonsense now and then,
Is valued by the wisest men.
-- Willy Wonka
Voice of Reason and Ship's Psychiatrist of the Institution
Relentlessly Persuing the Happy Medium |
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| REPLIED Tuesday, October 15, 2002 04:55:24 PM |
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Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are seen running, running, running (somewhat like Tom Crusie is always seen running
Aragorn: Come on, we've got to catch up with those orcs, we wasted far too much time in the GAP of Rohan.
Gimli: Tell me again why we are running?
Aragorn: Because Celeborn cracked up my custom 65 Mustang. We're running because, well, it looks exciting, so keep running. Oh, and Legolas, you can get off Gimli's shoulders now.
Legolas: Darn, and I so liked the way the wind made my hair fly around.
Aragorn: Hold up!
A long straggled line of infantry in fatigue uniforms of WWII vintage walks past.
Soldier: Hey, parlez-vous Francais?
Aragorn: Ahem, Non, mon ami. Where are you headed?
Soldier: Home, we just got finished with Normandy 2002, and I got Stephen Ambrose's signature*
Gimli: You didn't happen to see any orcs about, did you?
Soldier: Sure, scotty, see that smoke over there? those Wermacht were no match for Easy Company.
Aragorn: You mean...?
Soldier: Yup, scragged the lot of 'em. Better wait until they stop burning, though.
Gimli: We're looking for some young hobbits...
Soldier: Yeah, scotty, me too. Short gals with furry feet are better than French girls with furry legs any day.
Legolas: Why does he keep calling you scotty?
Gimli: I doon't know.
Aragorn: We're obliged to you, sir.
Soldier: Hey, nice hardware. Well, we gotta be off. Good Luck!
Legolas: Hey, can I bum a cig off you, Yank?
Soldier: Sure.
A large cloud of dust is seen in the distance, coming closer. After Legolas lights up a Lucky Strike, the three heroes watch as horsemen come galloping closer. The sound of "Spam Spam Spam Spam..." can be heard, faintly at first, then growing in intensity until...
Aragorn: What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?
With astonishing speed, the cavalry begins riding around the trio in a circle.
Legolas: Whoa, *cough* they're making me dizzy, man.
Gimli: What, the horsemen?
Legolas: No, this lousy tobacco.
Eomer: OK wise guys, who killed the orcs before we could?
Aragorn: Don't look at us, we're just looking for hobbits.
Eomer: Hob-whats?
Aragorn: Periannath, Halfings, Holbytlan, Furry-Footed troublemakers.
Eomer: Ah, now you are speaking my language. How come they have so many names?
Aragorn: Names? You want names? I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, also called Strider, Longshanks, and sometimes Elessar. My girlfriend calls me Estel, but I think it sounds a little feminine. But Aragorn will do.
Eomer: You are trespassing on the lands of the Lord of the Mark.
Gimli: I thought this was the Lord of the Rings?
Eomer: It is, it's just that these are lands belonging to the Lord of the Mark in the Lord of the Rings. Not to be confused with King Mark of Arthurian fame, or Mark of Rostron. But nobody can pass through these lands without first answering these questions.
Aragorn: Sorry, no time, I'm a hero, and we can't be slowed down by refugees from Xena episodes.
Eomer: Thou dare to insult me?
105 Lances point at Aragorn's chest
Aragorn: I was just testing your courage, O, Eomer, Knight of the Mark, not to be confused with the Mark Hopkins Hotel in San Francisco, where I usually stay when I'm not out in the wild.
Eomer: Really, is that a nice place?
Aragorn: Sure, tey have extra large closets for swords, and they even put those little mints on your pillow.
Eomer: I'll have to talk to my Uncle about that, he's been looking for a good place to stay.
Gimli: *Ahem*
Aragorn: What...? Oh, right, sorry. Did you see any hobbits?
Eomer: No, we were just going to search the ashes over there.
The Riders of Rohan and the trio examine the area where a terrific battle must have been fought. There are burned out tanks, wrecked jeeps, tattered pennants, and orc weapons of all sorts stuck in the ground with helmets on them. *Theme from Patton plays*
Legolas: Like, where's that music coming from?
Aragorn: No sing of them. The little rats, I wonder where they could be...
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 17, 2002 01:22:36 PM |
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*Merry and Pippin were lost, lost in a strange forest. But the worst thing wasn't being lost....*
Merry: Dude.... I'm getting the shakes!
Pippin: I know, no Longbottom leaf... for like hours!
Merry and Pippin: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
*They stare out into space.*
Merry: Did you see that pink oliphaunt?
Pippin: Yeah.
Merry: Was that a dixiland jazz band on it's back?
Pippin: Yeah... Wait, how come you hallucinated the same thing?
Merry: I dunno... Could it have been real?
Pippin: Nah, they are mythical beasts, like that tree walking toward us.
Merry: Scrawny looking thing, hardly any leaves. Kind of a boring hallucination.
Treebeard: HOOM! HOOM! What do we have hear?
*Treebeard appears to be a bunch of 2 x 4's nailed together connected with pulleys and ropes. A suspiciously familiar character is sitting where the head should be, branches with dying leaves nailed all around him. The figure pulls levers and the two hobbits are picked up by the crude stick hands.*
Treebeard: Halflings!
Pippin: Gimli.... Is that you?
Treebeard: Err... HOOOM! NO, I DO NOT KNOW THIS GIMLI YOU SPEAK OF, HASTY ONE.
Merry: DUDE! It IS Gimli!
Treebeard/Gimli: Will you be quiet! I'm having to play both parts because of the budget problems.
*Pulls a lever and "accidently" smacks the hobbits into a tree.*
Merry: OW!
Pippin: That was rude! You don't even look like an Ent!
Merry: Terrible effects, man, TERRIBLE!
PJ: CUT CUT!!! Just use your imagination... it will all be done with CGI later! We just hired the programmers from Doom to complete the work at half price.
Pippin: John Carmack? DUDE! He's a genius!
PJ: Err... no.
Merry: Don't tell me you hired Romero. PLEASE tell me you didn't hire Romero...
*Back at the CGI farm....*
Romero: No no, Treebeard should have dripping skulls hanging from him and a huge sword to Deathmatch with!
"It wasn't great when I started, George Lucas started, all of us started. I really thought we were going to leave the motion picture industry or field better than we found it, and we left it worse."
-- Francis Ford Coppola
A little nonsense now and then,
Is valued by the wisest men.
-- Willy Wonka
Voice of Reason and Ship's Psychiatrist of the Institution
Relentlessly Persuing the Happy Medium |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 17, 2002 04:05:07 PM |
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George Lucas answers his tiny, tiny cellphone.
George: Yes... uh-huh... yes... yep... okay... John Romero? MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
*Lightning flashes overhead*
=========================
=============
Meanwhile... John Romero rings someone on a tiny, tiny cellphone...
John Romero: PJ? It's John here. Yes, I have a projected completion date for your CGI. I'm planning to wrap it up about the time that I'm done with making Daikatana good, and stable.
PJ: *listens with growing horror, and then* NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AA!!!!!!!
Throws the cellphone to the ground, stomps on it. Pulls a .40 S&W and empties the magazine into the phone. Finishes by pouring petrol over the phone and the surrounding 5 square metres of ground and dropping a match onto it. Huddles in a corner and breathes heavily, wrapping a blanket ever tighter around his cold form. A chill sweat beads on his face.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.
-T.S. Eliot. |
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| REPLIED Thursday, October 17, 2002 05:27:38 PM |
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Bernard Hill stands on the battlments of Helm's Dep, waiting as film crews scurry about. He is in full Theoden costume, and looks wonderful. Next to him, Miranda Otto chews gum, and pops it annoyingly, while fiddling with her hair extensions. Suddenly, he looks out into the vast plain, and shouts
Theoden: There they are!!!!!
Peter Jackson rushes to the battlements, shoving elves aside, and through his binoculars he sees a huge caravan of trucks, trailers, boom wagons, speeders, landbikes, banthas, and all manner of vehicles trundling across to the other side of the valley. Huge cranes begin lifting giant carboard mockups of a castle out of the trucks.
Theoden: Is it?
PJ: Yes, it is...
Eowyn: *pop* What is it?
PJ: *reading the sides of the trucks* Lucasfilm Limited.
They stare at each other. Then PJ begins running down the steps towards the Jeep parked by the gate.
PJ: Get me back to the Fangorn set, on the double, we've got to step up production!!!!
-----
Meanwhile, a huge tent city blossom on the plains of Nahor as "Ring Wars" technicians scurry about in black t-shirts and baseball caps
Lucas: Ahh, Stuart, Chris, great to see you!
ST: Yessir, oh mighty Emperor!
CO: Who's my co-star?
Lucas: Only the finest women in Hollywood, my dear Mr. O'Donnell...You'll meet her soon.
Lucas: The rest of the cast will arrive soon...Meet Actress CGI119, I had her made up specially for this film.
CGI119: Hello, boys!
ST: Wow, that's amazing, she's sooo, lifelike.
Lucas: Yes, the sex scenes are going to absolutely sizzle...
CO: But, Peter Jackson project didn't have any...
Lucas: Pfft, that block of wood Christensen and that pretty puppet I teamed him with didn't have any chemistry...CGI119 is a 'special' from Skywalker Ranch and ILM. You'll see!
All, laugh fiendishly as the Imperial March plays
more to come...
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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| REPLIED Wednesday, October 23, 2002 03:57:47 PM |
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Merry and Pippin follow "Treebeard" or 2x4Beard into his house in the dark sppoky forest.
Treebeard: Well, mustn't be hasty.
Three hours of exposition later
Merry: I think that AB 2178 is unfair to environmental agencies.
Pippin: *wkaing up* Huh? Whaat?
Treebeard: Oh, my, look at the time, we're late for Entmoot.
Merry: That soundly vaguley obscene
Treebeard: Well, before we lost the entwives, it was. Now its more like a Shriner's Convention, and about as full of slow, old people.
Pippin: Sounds majorly dull, treeman.
Treebeard: Nonsense, now drink up, and let's get going. We've got to stop Saruman's evil plans.
Merry: You know what saruman's evil plans are?
Treebeard: Sure, got them from the script girl over there.
Merry: Oh.
Script Girl: May I say, Mr. Monaghan, I just love your ears.
Merry: Hoo, thanks, keep doing that, they itch.
Treebeard: The trouble is there are so few of us left...there's PineSol, BeechGum, PoisonOak...hmmm
Pippin: How'd you lose the entwives?
Treebeard: We said to the elves..."Take My entwife, please..." and sure enough, they took off with hose blonde-haired hasty fellows.
Pippin: OK, well, so where are we going?
Merry: I have this terrible feeling of deja vu...
Treebeard: Hop aboard the Fangorn Express, young hobbits.
Pippin: Is that like that train we took in Lorien?
Treebeard: No, its ME.
Pippin: Oh.
Treebeard: I think the ents are mighty upset with young Saruman.
Merry: Why is that?
Treebeard: I heard he was the reason Tom Bombadil was written out fo the script in the first film.
Merry/Pippin: Ohhhhhhhh
Treebeard: No time to lose, off we go to Entmoot
stay tuned for the next exciting installment
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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and so it begins again
