BY PHILLIP NAKOV | The Haunted Mansion comes alive like never before with incredible visual and special effects in this all-new, fun-filled comedy adventure. Shrouded in fog and mystery, the mansion was once a stately antebellum palace that hosted New Orleans' wealthiest. Now it's the creepy and crumbling home to a love struck 19th century gentleman, 999 ghosts, and a hilarious and hair-raising battle for "home rule". Realtor Jim Evers (Eddie Murphy) and his wife and business partner Sara (Marsha Thomason) get a call late one night from mansion owner Edward Gracey, who is looking to sell his property. Smelling the biggest deal of their career, Jim, Sara and their two children pay a visit to the mansion, located on a remote bayou. A torrential thunderstorm of mysterious origin strands the Evers family in the old mansion with the brooding, eccentric Gracey (Nathaniel Parker), his mysterious butler Ramsley (Terence Stamp), and a variety of residents both seen and unseen. At first, Jim scoffs at Gracey's stories about ghosts and hauntings, until he unearths the mystery of the mansion and finds that his wife Sara has unexpected connections to its haunted past and everything is not as it appears! Unfortunately what the movie is about and what it ends up being are not entirely related whatsoever.

EXPECTATIONS

What I'd Seen

I saw the trailer, the posters, the billboards, the contest on the site and other prominent promotional announcements surrounding the release of the Haunted Mansion.

What I'd Heard

I'd heard that this was no where near as clever or original as the earlier ride-to-movie picture made famous earlier this year starring Johnny Depp. You may have seen it, The "Pirates of the Caribbean"? I'd heard that the story was weak and that POTC was a much better movie.

What I Wanted

More than anything I was looking for the same escapist/ suspension of reality mind set I had when I went to see Pirates. I wanted to see little tidbits from the ride make their way into the movie as gentle reminders of the ride that 'inspired' the film. I was hoping to see the elevator where everything grows on the walls to get taller and taller... I wanted to see the rooms come alive with ghosts and dancing. A frenzy of ghoulish activity!

EXPERIENCE

Far from being even closely equivalent to the ride-to-film entry of 'Pirates' earlier this year, The Haunted Mansion should have remained a ride at the Disneyland theme parks. This is film that does not reach beyond the very surface to make a barely passable, barely watchable, hardly memorable cinematic experience. It seemed that every 'reference' to the ride was forced and contrived as if the producers had a check list of all the 'moments' in the ride they wanted included in the film and the writers simply added the walk down the hall, the singing busts or any other ride references to the film to pass Disney scrutiny and make it a film 'inspired' by the ride The Haunted Mansion.

What Turned Me On

The sets were beautiful and the effects top notch. The feeling that one got was that the house was truly large and had many secrets buried deep within its walls. The exterior of the house really brought back the memory of waiting in line to go inside the house and the music during the open credits were spot on. Madame Leota is also one of the best parts of the film and hats off to the effects guys who made that head of a lady in the crystal ball work so well!

What Turned Me Off

The complete lack of a believable plot or story is perhaps the worst part of this ride, I mean movie. The cast was forced to lumber along making pointless romps around the house and property without really asking any questions. An entire sequence of Mr. Ever's being trapped behind the door of a hidden passageway is wasted with no payoff or surprise. The complete lack of urgency behind everyone's movements and the general detachment everyone displays while exploring the house makes it more interesting to watch tourists lining up to get on the ride at Disneyland than watch these ambivalent characters. Also, the fact that the actors could not line up their lines of sight with the special effects is especially bothersome. It is especially distracting when the actor is not looking directly at a sphere of light or at the landscape of the graveyard and is instead caught looking slightly too low or too high in regards to where the actual 'item' is.

Lines Worth Repeating

"We at Evers and Evers Realty want to make sure when you buy your new home that you are happy for evers and evers." ... Ok, maybe not worth repeating but it was funny.

Never Saw That Before

A really cool head in a crystal ball that looked good from all angles and talked and acted well with the cast. Very well done and very cool effects.

Fidget Factor

Not really a fidget factor movie as there is enough going on a consistent basis to keep the worst of us still for the ninety-nine minutes that this film goes on, but not so enticing that I did not check my watch a few times to see how just how much longer before breakfast. That would be the problem of going to a screening at 10 A.M. and not eating before hand.

AFTERMATH

I left thinking... just because a ride exists and Disney was successful with the 'Pirates of the Caribbean" transition, does not mean a movie needs to be made of it. The Haunted Mansion was, is and will always be one of my all-time favorite rides at Disneyland. As for movies... I would rather just go on the ride. The most fun one has during the movie is catching the ride references. Now honestly, that is not a reason to be watching a film.

I left saying... Now what do we want for breakfast? Eggs or cream cheese, lox and bagels? And after breakfast we must go shopping! (Really no conversation was to be had about the film once the movie was over...)

Expiry Date... As soon as Thanksgiving is over and all the families have gone back home and the moms and dads get busy shopping for the holidays, this movie will disappear from the movieplex marquees and make way for other, better titles.

When it comes out on DVD... Unless you get to watch it for free at a friend's house or on cable, not really worth paying to watch. This is not even a good babysitter movie since even the easiest entertained youngsters will be bored to tears.