BY PHILLIP NAKOV | Angelina Jolie, once again playing Lara Croft, returns to the video-game-inspired action franchiseTomb Raider, this time in search of the mythical Pandora's Box.

EXPECTATIONS

Really I had none. I admit I did not see the first one in its entirety. I only saw the last 20 minutes of the first one a few weeks back on cable one weekend afternoon. I was impressed with some of the action but rolled my eyes whenever the actors moved their lips. I was appalled at the dialogue. So, when I heard they were making a sequel I figured it has to be better than the first, but as bad as that one was, my expectations were pretty low. Besides I saw this film at the World Premiere on Monday at the Chinese Theater and was really looking forward to seeing what AJ was wearing and she looked in person. (The screening started 35 minutes late due to Miss Joies tardy arrival. That did not however change my opinion of the film, and she looked fabulous.)

What Id Seen

Id seen a killer set of clips and the trailer featuring the pair of characters leaping from an uncompleted skyscraper somewhere in Asia. With their specially made glider suits I could not wait to see the landing! Also, I have seen the endless product tie-in commercials for Jeep, Panasonic and the Got Milk ads in a various magazines and dozens of billboards featuring an especially svelte and fit Lara Croft blocking the main title of the film with her body and head. I feel bad for the people who may not know what the film is and since you cant read the title, would be lost wondering what that lady in the silver tracksuit is posing for? Nike? Reebok? Gatorade? I mean I would have to have been living under a rock not to know that this film opens on July 25, 2003.

What Id Heard

Not much except that they really worked on the story this time. I almost fell out of my chair when I read an article, which had one of the producers actually admitting that they started filming the last one without what they considered a strong story! Whats next? Is Paramount going to give $50 million dollars to a 6 year old and hand them a DV cam and tell him or her to shoot a compelling action drama set against the backdrop of a school playground? I also heard from some early reviews that this one was better than the first. But I ask you, since when is being better than your predecessor any true claim to fame? Yeah, I studied harder this week and I got a D + instead of the F I got last time! See I done do better! (Not really that encouraging).

What I Wanted

Fun. Action. Adventure. Thrills. Edge of my seat anxiety and anticipation! A good story filled with interesting plot twists, peppered with some witty repartee, some funny one-line zingers and characters I could care about and worry that they would be ok and make it out alive! A hot male lead to play against AJ. Glamour fashion. Exotic locales. An explanation as to why no one around Lara Croft seems to be half as smart or tough as she is. Does she surround her self with idiots and yes men that simply do her bidding? And if yes, why?

EXPERIENCE

Some fun. Pretty good action.... yes the leap from the skyscraper rocked - although some voice over explanation about how it worked would have been nice. I like the set up they have in James Bond and Mission Impossible films where they basically have a 10 minute Ok audience, for those of you too stupid to figure out how these things work and so that you will not accuse of us cheating you in the future parts of this film, here is what we are arming our hero with... Yes, adventure... I guess... but since when can you get from one place in the world to the next without any gear and seemingly instantly? Oh yes, I am supposed to suspend reality. Well at least in Indiana Jones films they had that little plane that flew across the map with a little dotted line showing where they were going. Do the producers really think that everyone in theaters today really know where half of the countries mentioned in the film are even located on a world map? Remember, many states have high school graduates receiving diplomas without knowing how to read. I am a total advocate of talking down to an audience and treating them like they are stupid. I always appreciate it, even if I can find Djibouti on a map. (Its on the east coast of Africa sandwiched between Ethiopia and Somalia, in case you doubt there exists a country called Djibouti). The story was really a bad case of schoolyard revenge. I saw it first, its mine- you steal from me and I want to get it back... No real reason why anyone is searching for anything. The jokes were few and far between. The only character I was even remotely concerned about was Lara Croft. The rest of the one-sided vapid characters running around were about as likeable as her fur coat, which was fabulous and satisfied my need for some glamorous fashion scenes. AJ looked oh so fine in that white fur coat in Siberia. Simply smashing. Oh yes, there was no hot male lead opposite AJ. Big draw back. The exotic locales were pretty good, but they really made each locale look like a total homogenization of that country/ city offering too narrow of a point of view and no real feeling of that country. Down time should have been spent savoring the local foods and perhaps taking in some sites. No one ever tried to explain who Lara Croft was, why she was so rich and why she surrounded her self with half-wits, idiots and yes men who offered her little to match her smarts, style or abilities. Dont usually most smart people surround them selves with equally smart team members?

What Turned Me On

The constant changes of outfits. The cool stunts and random use of gunfire that never seemed to hit anyone. Cool gadgets. That leap off the skyscraper!

What Turned Me Off

The opening sequence used the OLDEST opening in the world. The Racing towards the shore over the water with the water racing towards us and not allowing us to see anything else till they are good and ready helicopter tracking shot. PLEASE! There should be a ban on the use of that sequence and limits as to how many times a year that shot can be used. Also there should be a law governing how long filmmakers are allowed to race across the water - some of us sitting close to the screen were getting motion sickness. The story was ill planned, nonsensical and altogether dumb. There were no really great character actors in it that you could either love or hate. And worst of all, there was not a hot male lead opposite AJ that would have definitely increased the level of sexual tension in the film. Pity.

Lines Worth Repeating

None really... except if you know how to speak in a completely fake and laughably learned English accent and want to make everyone around you laugh at how funny you sound. Its a weapon more powerful than you could ever imagine... wait a minute, is she talking about the Death Star? Someone call George Lucas! That line was lifted!

Never Saw That Before

Two people leap from a building and then seemingly glide away with specially constructed glider suits. VERY COOL. I want me one of those.

Fidget Factor

Minimal. You are pretty much going along for a ride. Although I did check my watch three times to see how long it was before I could run out to the car and have a smoke and call my stylist to find one of those flying glider suits!

AFTERMATH

I left thinking...what a waste of time; glad I did not pay for this; and when should I send in my own treatment for a rebellious misunderstood six year old on the playground who takes over the school and holds his teachers hostage filmed on DV- budget $50 million. Hey, we have to blow up the cafeteria right?

I left saying...where can I get one of those glider suits? Do they even exist? Or was that more Hollywood stunt trickery?

Expiry Date
Consume immediately after opening. Best when served chilled. Serving suggestion - goes great with a highly-caffeinated diet soda (like sugar free Red Bull, low on carbs - high on taste).

When it comes out on DVD, see it. They will probably have some killer commentary and great behind the scenes work. Thats what I will be looking for. And maybe someone can tell me where I can get one of those glider suits!