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BY TIM DOYLE |
Sean Connery stars as Allan Quartermain, who leads a motley group
of literary superheroes into battle against a mysterious, menacing threat
to world order.
EXPECTATIONS
What I'd Seen
A couple of noisy, fast-moving trailers.
What I'd Heard
Based loosely on a smart, imaginative series of graphic novels by Alan
Moore. Lots
of fighting between the director and Sean Connery.
What I Wanted
A smart, imaginative movie.
EXPERIENCE
What Turned Me On
Production Design
It's Merchant-Ivory meets X-Men here; the production design is enthusiastic,
sometimes beautiful (I've always been a sucker for the marriage of
late-Victorian and science fiction). Sometimes the design is a little
too fussy; the Nautilus looks like a carving-knife sharpener, and the
Nautiloid is nothing more than a salad spinner with teeth.
Peta Wilson
Having changed the channel every time I saw her on "Nikita", who
knew that a change of hair color -- making her temporarily unrecognizable -- would
lower my guard and let Peta Wilson into my heart? As a homicidal vampire
prone to exploding into clouds of blood-sucking bats, she's nympho-murderous
and many leagues distant from Winona "Dracula" Ryder's uptight version
in Dracula. Of course, her powers are ridiculous in every way, but Peta
pulls it off.
Dorian Gray
I liked Stuart Townsend's lip-curling nastiness; channeling Oscar
Wilde, and impervious to injury, he's a gay Wolverine.
What Turned Me Off
Who Are These People?
"League" does a poor job of introducing these 19th-century
literary characters to the audience, and thus, making us root for them
in any way. They should have known better; this being a summer movie,
you know half the audience is functionally illiterate, with no knowledge
of the bookish background behind each character. To modern audiences,
Allan Quartermain is best known as Richard Chamberlain in "King Solomon's
Mines", while Mr. Hyde last made an appearance in the Julia Robert
bore-fest "Mary Reilly". The Captain Nemo character, played by the
wonderful Naseeruddin Shah behind a monster beard, looks like a cigar-store
Indian, or even better, an extra from "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen". I
didn't feel for any of them.
I have a thought. The audience is already cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, so
why not skip the pretensions and fill the movie with breakfast cereal
characters. Give them the cultural significance they deserve: Mina Harker
could be Count Chocula, Allan Quartermain could be Sugar Bear, Dorian
Gray could be Lucky the Leprechaun, and Mr. Hyde...oh, Tony the Tiger
(How's "Weeeee're great!" for a tagline?). Think of the commercial tie-ins -- the
ironic T-shirts alone would help defray the huge budget, and in this
case, at least the audience would leave hungry for more.
Soundstage-itis, or where are all the people?
We travel with the league from London to Venice, and yet, in both
these cities, we see very little street life that might bring them alive
in our minds. Apart from a vast throng of Venetian partygoers who mill
about like gerbils in a maze as their city implodes around them (no doubt
a group of Czech extras in powdered wigs and harlequin masks), the locales
have no grit or life. Even just an "Oy, guv'nor" from a whore on her
break would have been fine.
The Conning Tower Scene
On the way to Venice, the Nautilus cuts like a knife (cue Bryan Adams)
through the ocean, and at very high speed, leaving a dramatic wake and
the audience suitably awed. This is momentarily thrilling, until the
action moves to the exposed conning tower, where the laws of physics
have apparently been suspended. No shrieking wind, or sea spray, or moving
water; the actors converse casually amid tranquility of what appeared
to be the patio of a summer home in the South of France. Why does this
matter? With this one moment, my suspension of disbelief went out the
window.
Confusing fight sequences
Did the director of Blade really direct this movie? Those fight sequences
were positively balletic; in League, each scene is a mess, all noise
and no impact.
Ain't Empire great?
We're told to root for a colonial empire whose overriding goal is
to loot the wealth of the Third World, and thus fuel an increasingly
rickety structure of class inequality, elitism and sexual repression. For
crying out loud, we are first introduced to Allan Quartermain in the
lounge of an African bush hotel, relaxing after a day of bossing about
the natives. This man isn't an elderly Indiana Jones -- he's Cecil Rhodes
in safari wear. (No wonder Dorian Gray changes sides.) Of course, the "Fantom" -- bent
on conquering the world in a faux-rat-fur coat recently seen in a Moscow
disco -- parks his home base in the most isolated corner of the globe,
surrounded by water and ice floes. It is so ridiculously far away, "the
good guys" should have just left him alone, had a good laugh, and waited
for the real threat -- World War I.
Never Saw That Before
Three-foot-thick neck veins. (A twenty-foot-tall bodybuilder psychopath sweats
through ten minutes of hilarious roid rage in a battle to the death against
now-puny Mr. Hyde. If anything, "League" will be remembered a PSA against
steroid abuse.)
Fidget Factor
When I wasn't falling asleep half-way through, I glared at the movie in surly
silence, arms folded across my chest. At points, it was an unendurable squirm-athon.
AFTERMATH
I left thinking...if I run really fast, I'll get to my car and
out of here before the rest of the vast, annoyed throng can stomp up
the aisle... have we had a final ruling on why can you see what an invisible
man is drinking, and yet, not see the contents of his bladder?... does
anyone else think Sean Connery's accent borders on self-parody?
I left saying...stop this comic-book adaptation bandwagon. I want
to get off.
Expiry Date
Apart from the endless commercials playing on TV, the movie has not
entered my thoughts since I saw it.
When it comes out on DVD, you'll probably rent it.
Verdict: Not a bomb, just a loud -- and very ordinary -- disappointment. |
