BY DANIEL BAIG | The Tuxedo puzzled me a bit with its opening, which is not always a bad thing in a movie. Here I was, ready for a Jackie Chan movie. I couldnt have given any specifics, but I certainly expected to see Jackie in the opening scenes, doing some comic yet amazing fighting and/or death-defying stuff. And I was pretty sure the opening credits would utilize the idea of the titular item of clothing; perhaps a cute animated sequence, a la the Pink Panther movies.

Instead, The Tuxedo opens on a mountain stream somewhere: snowy peaks in the distance, pine trees amongst rocks bordering the ice-edged flowing water. A deer comes into view, in the middle of the rivulet. The music on the soundtrack is what I might call association music. By which I dont mean tunes by The Association (though Windy sure was a perfect little gem of pop, dont you agree?), but (damn, now I cant get that song out of my head) rather an example of music which the movies have trained us to connect with a certain setting/event/genre/feeling. It functions as a sort of cinematic auditory shorthand. Perhaps the most obvious example would be the portions of Beethovens Pastoral Symphony, or film composers pastiches of it, traditionally used in movies for morning/waking up scenes, especially ones in the countryside, or, alternately, for countryside/rural scenes, especially ones taking place early in the morning. Of course, this so quickly became a clichi (indeed, it meant those things from the beginning of its very existence, as Beethoven wrote it deliberately to evoke this association) that it became a staple of works like Looney Tunes cartoons. If we hear those familiar opening strains from the Pastoral today in a movie, were almost surely watching a comedy (and probably not a very clever or original one at that). Similar examples of this associative technique would be the very frequent use (again, mostly in lame comedies) of just-different-enough-to-avoid-being-sued reworkings of Monty Normans James Bond theme, Bernard Herrmanns shrieking violins from Psycho, and John Williams bass and horn troubles coming music from Jaws.

Here the music is so stereotypically redolent of stirring wild nature/peaceful magnificent wilderness, etc. that I knew we were being set up. This tranquil, wildlife greeting card picture was about to be rudely broken by something. Something presumably comic, but almost surely shocking. I was half-cringing, afraid that the deer was about to be shot, or the whole landscape be blown up, etc.

Well, I was half right. (Shocking, but the deer comes to no harm.) We now get a close-up of the deers rear end. (It is apparent its now actually a fake deer, or a fake deer butt, that is, that were now looking at.) The tail raises, most unconvincingly, like an audio-animatronic creature at Disneyland, and copious amounts of greenish urine proceeds to pour into the stream below.

Immediately I said to myself, Oh man! Not another gross-out comedy. Ive seen too many of those this year. And how bizarre. I would never have expected anyone to make a Jackie Chan film a gross-out movie. The trailers and commercials sure werent making it seem like one. I should have sent a ten-year-old boy instead of me to review the movie.

Now the camera is under water, moving along with the flow of the stream. Presumably, we are following the deer piss (something like the tracking of the cough in Outbreak) on its aquatic journey, though its hard to tell, as everything is pretty murky and uniform in brownish color. This parts pretty gross. The camera passes through grated entrances to pipes, etc., with nasty stuff floating about. Oh, and this is the credits sequence. Im sure Jackie and Jennifer Love Hewitt are thrilled to have their names onscreen over sewage. Doesnt have anything to do with a tuxedo. I was definitely wrong there.

Eventually, after going through a lot of pipes, etc., we dissolve into, of all things, a water bottling plant. Actually, by this point, I knew this, or something similar  coming out through a water fountain which someone is drinking from, or a tap someone is filling a glass of water from, etc.  was coming. We now none too excitingly follow the bottles of water on conveyor belts as they are filled and have labels adhered to them.

I have to say, though, I was disappointed, because even though what happened was exactly what I was expecting, it didnt happen how I was expecting it to. Because director Kevin Donovan cheats. We dont actually make the final entry from flowing icky water into awaiting bottled water plant water. We jut cut to the interior of the lab, leaving the camera point-of-view behind.

Now, if this had been a David Fincher movie, we surely would have gone right through the last pipes and into a bottle, a la the entering of electric sockets and phone jacks and following wires along, etc. in Panic Room and Fight Club.

Oh well.

Now we see a worker break away from the conveyor belt and place a call on his cell phone. Of course hes a spy, but boy is he stupid. He doesnt even bother to leave the place where the bad guys are to phone in the info, which could wait a bit. He says he must speak to Chief So-and-so right away! The operator puts him on hold.

So you know whats going to happen next, right? Of course. He gets killed while waiting on hold.

He gets killed rather gruesomely, right in front of us in close-up.

So now I was really puzzled by this movie. First we have extremely juvenile humor  and then a violent, fully depicted murder! An extremely unpleasant, jarringly discordant conjunction. The first scene would most be appreciated by the thirteen-and-under set, while the second scene is one I wouldnt want my young child to see!

As it happens, weirdly enough  but thankfully!  there is no more gross-out stuff in the movie. That opening sequence was it. And neither are there any more realistic onscreen murders. A couple of people get shriveled up to death, but its clearly silly and unrealistic sci-fi type stuff.

In other words, the opening scenes are not indicative in any way of the rest of The Tuxedo. (!)

Anyway, Im sure you know from commercials, etc. what The Tuxedo is about. Jimmy Tong (Jackie), lowly cab driver, becomes a chauffeur to a James Bond-ish super spy, and then, when that guy is incapacitated due to an attack, Jimmy steps into his boss shoes  literally  along with his secret weapon, a tuxedo which can make its wearer do just about anything.

Thats where the movies real humor comes from. Some of the things Jackie/Jimmy/the tuxedo get up to are very funny, like Jackie singing and dancing like James Brown (maybe the highlight of the movie). And the screenplay (by Michael J. Wilson and Michael Leeson) has a very clever recurring bit, with a good payoff, with the evening wears automatic cigarette lighting function.

Some of the tuxedos scenes, though, are dull. When Jimmy accidentally selects detonate (or was it destroy?) instead of demonstrate  ha, ha  from the menu of choices built into the tux accompanying watch, he proceeds to destroy stuff in a room, breaking vases, etc. Yawn.

Jackie gives what is actually a brilliant performance, which is sure to be underappreciated, since he does it so well you forget hes doing it: he manages to make it look as if it really is his suit doing everything, with him more or less along for the ride. Its easy to forget while youre watching it that of course its him doing all the amazing stuff, yet creating the illusion that hes a helpless passenger of sorts; when you think about it, you realize how impressive it is.

Jennifer Love Hewitt as his rookie spy partner (she thinks Jimmy is the real thing) is very game, throwing herself into the whole stupid spirit of things. Ditto for Ritchie Coster  who has one of the funniest moments in the movie, where he has to endure the James Brown Jimmy shaking his butt in his face for about a minute straight  as the James Bond-esque tycoon villain, and Peter Stormare as his sexually frustrated scientist assistant. Debbi Mazar has a decent sequence with Jackie early on, setting up the story.

One of the best things about The Tuxedo is its production design, by Paul Denham Austerberry and Monte Fay Hallis (those are some names, huh?). They created a really great entrance to an underground lair (Id like to describe it, but it would take away from its impressiveness when its revealed), and a vast chamber very impressively hung with cool glass ________  well, I cant tell you because it would give away too much of the plot. Theres also a party scene with some neat performers dressed as mermaids, somehow floating on top of giant jets of water. A very cool image.

But the editing by Craig P. Herring is none too good, and Donovans direction is uninspired.

Worst of all, though, is the cinematography. Its rare to see a mainstream studio picture look this crappy. Either terrible prints were made, or this is the most poorly lit big budget film Ive seen in ages. Assuming its the lighting, director of photography Stephen F. Windon needs to go back to film school.

The Tuxedo isnt really a knockout film. Having it be so unrelentingly ugly makes sitting through it even less enjoyable than it should be.

It definitely picks up as it goes along, and I found myself laughing quite a bit in the last half hour or so. The outtakes (traditional with Jackie Chan films) are definitely funny enough to stay for  really  though surprisingly, and disappointingly, many more of them are verbal flubs on Jackies part, or just him cracking Jennifer up (these being the least interesting).

The hint of flirting between J and J as the movie goes along is appreciated (though, of course, as is standard in Hollywood, Jackies twice Jennifers age), actually subtly done, and well played  the two, especially Jackie, convincingly make you think theyre unaware of their growing attraction to each other, almost always something hard to believe in movies, which nevertheless ask us to believe it all the time.

I especially loved the way Jackie says horny. His smile and accent make it adorable.

Grade: B-/B